June 27, 2004…..6 years ago today.
If someone had said to me 6 years ago that I would be sitting where I am today and living the life I am living, I would have responded with something along the lines of “yeah, right….in my dreams.”
Why? Because it was a dream at THAT time. Today it IS my reality.
Let me tell you about that day 6 years ago. I was living in NJ and in a situation that was not good, emotionally, physically or mentally. Coincidentally, it was a Sunday like today, I woke up and it was like every other day. Spent a few minutes cuddling with Haley in bed, she did what she always does, snuggled up to my neck and purring, wrapping her paws around my arm. I got out of bed, not knowing what the day held for me. I quickly found out it was more of the same. As I came out into the living room, there he was sitting in his usual chair, a video game playing on the television, his laptop sitting in front of him, and as usual it looked like he’d been up all night screwing around online, doing God only knows what. I had stopped asking, but I knew he was trying to hook up with other women.
It was going on three years with Michael, I should have ended it after the first 6 months, but I didn’t. I thought I could help him, I went through numerous phases, I think the first was trying to make him see what he was doing was so very wrong, then it went into trying common sense and logic and through other phases until finally I just hoped he would find someone else and leave. None of those things worked and here I was almost 3 years with a man who took no responsibility for his own actions, expected the world to just give him everything because he served in the USMC for 4 years in Hawaii. He was a rage-aholic, starting at first with the verbal abuse and by 2004, it had turned to physical, mental and emotional abuse as well.
He didn’t mention my birthday and I didn’t say anything to him, it would have been pointless and I knew it would only cause trouble. I already knew he hadn’t given it a second thought. I went about my morning, showered and dressed and I told him I was going to photograph an antique car show. Photography was my passion and no matter how bad things were, when I picked up my camera, all my problems just disappeared and I could get lost on my photography for hours. He said he didn’t want to do that, I told him that was fine, but I was going. He grumbled and told me to wait, he would come with me. You see, abusers don’t want you to go anywhere alone, they want to keep track of you, see where you are going, who you are talking to and what you might talk about. (I learned that after the fact). He finally got ready and we were off to the car show.
When we arrived at the car show we went our separate ways. I went and started taking pictures of the old cars, really getting into the antiques. I love everything about old cars, their uniqueness is number one. The cars from 30, 40, 50, years ago are different, they all have different bumpers, frames, look,s colors, and you could tell from miles away what a car was, nothing looked the same. Not like today’s cars where you don’t know if it’s a BMW, a Lexus or a Toyota until you’re almost on top of it. We weren’t there long when he told me that he was ready to go home. I told him I wasn’t done yet and before long he started to get throw a fit in front of everybody. Of course no one could hear him, because he was standing right behind me, in my ear and he was becoming so distracting that I wasn’t having fun anymore. I finally said “fine, I’ll take you home” and we began to walk back to the car. The closer we got to the car the louder he got. When we got in the car she slammed the door shut so hard that I was surprised the window didn’t break. Before we could get out of the parking lot he started, the berating that is, telling me how much he did this for me, how he came out for me, and how I was making his day miserable. I sat there for a moment, tears in my eyes and finally said to him “you know this is a really nice way to treat somebody for their birthday!” I hated myself at that moment for saying something about my birthday, I had no intentions of saying anything to him about it I was just going to let the day go on and let it pass, because I knew, from previous experience, that by saying something it would have only made things worse. When Michael didn’t have an answer for something is usual response was “Whatever Robbyn WHATEVER!” After that he got out of the car, said I’m walking home, and slammed the car door again, and again I expected it to break.
I sat there for about 10 minutes collecting myself, I was crying so much that I could hardly see. People were staring, they had seen what was going on, and then they just continued on their way. I finally pulled out of the parking lot, started driving down the road and there he was, just a few hundred yards away, walking. I don’t know why I pulled over, I know now that I shouldn’t have, but I did. He got in the car and you know, any NORMAL person, would have gotten in the car and the first thing out of their mouths would have been, “I am so sorry that I forgot your birthday.” But, that would’ve been admitting that he had done something wrong. And one thing I have learned about Michael, was that he NEVER took responsibility for his own actions, everything was ALWAYS, someone else’s fault.
It was only a few seconds before he started and as usual it was all about how hard his life was, how hard he worked, how he always was screwed, and how I had absolutely no right to be upset that he had once again forgot my birthday. He went on and on for the entire drive, I just cried, unable to speak, but it had no effect on him. My original intention, was to take him home and then go back to the car show. Well, that never happened. Instead when we got home, I went to the bathroom to take my contact lenses out, washed my face and then went to my bedroom for a few minutes to get myself together. Haley was as usual hiding under the bed, and when she knew I was alone she came out, jumped on the bed and start rubbing up against me. Haley was always my comfort, she was the only bright thing in my life, these days I call her my “fur soulmate.” Unfortunately, Michael wouldn’t leave me alone. He picked the lock of the bedroom door and came in, and continued his rant. Haley went back and hid under the bed and after a few minutes I told him I was not listening to this and try to leave. That was a mistake, he slammed the bedroom door, locked it and stood there with his back up against it. I told him to let me out, he pushed me. I ran over to the windows and opened them and yelled out “someone please help me call the police” he came over and pushed me onto the bed. He sat on top of me grabbed my wrists and held me down. And he started again, I had no right to be upset he forgot my birthday. He was squeezing my wrists so hard, I think he was trying to break them and knowing Michael, he probably was. He had earlier broken two of my fingers, and split my lip open previously. I kicked and screamed, still with the bedroom window open, calling for someone to help me, but no one did. I couldn’t believe that not one of my neighbors would call the police.
This was all taking place in the middle of the day, early afternoon and it continued on well into the night. He finally got off of me and stopped trying to break my wrists and went and sat on the floor, with his back against the bedroom door, blocking it. And he continued for eight solid hours. I am NOT exaggerating. At some point during that time, I knew he was talking, but my brain had turned off and I was no longer listening. Instead I was talking to myself, in my head, knowing that I needed to get out of this, and making a promise to myself. That promise was “I would not be with this man on my next birthday.”
Even without my responding to him, he continued to go on and on telling me how hard his life was, how he always was just trying to help people, how he was the good guy, how hard he worked, and how he would NOT be disrespected. You see, in his mind, and the way he justified his self, was that he was the good guy and everyone else was bad. It was well into the night, when he decided he was hungry, and told me he was going to get something eat. I was mentally and emotionally exhausted and after he left, I went into the shower, let cold water run on my face, and went back into my bedroom again locking the door. Haley reappeared and laid down in my arms, rubbing her head against me and purring as if she was telling me “I love you mommy, everything will be okay.” Unfortunately Michael came home, believe it or not, with flowers, a birthday card, and a stuffed lion. I guess this was supposed to make up for the eight solid hours of it berating. I told him I didn’t want his presents, that they did not make up for his behavior and of course that only enraged him further. Once again it was my fault, because as he would always say, “he was trying,” and I was quitting on us.
You know how they say, karma goes around and what you put out comes back to you? Well, some higher power must have been listening that day, even though the neighbors to whom I cried out for help were not. Because a couple of days later I received a letter, which ended up requiring me to go to Florida by the end of the following week to take care of some personal business. I was in Daytona Beach by July 4th. I spent the next three weeks in Daytona, taking care of what I needed to, and ended up staying longer to help my Mom with her business. Wouldn’t you know it, the entire time I was gone, Michael called me every day, telling me how much he loved me, and how sorry he was for everything, and how he wanted things to work between us and wanted things to be good. He never really said what he was sorry for, just a generic “everything.” However, at that point they were just words and there was no meaning behind them because I had heard them all before. While I was in Daytona, I remember a discussion my Mom and I had, where she asked me what I wanted out of my life. She could see how severely depressed I was and she could see how much weight I gained back. You see before Michael, I was getting my life together, and had lost 100 pounds but had gained it all back and then some. My response to her was simple, “I want someone to see me for who I am inside, and for people to stop judging me for what I look like on the outside.” My whole life most people that I met made judgments about who I was, based simply on the outside. “Oh she’s fat, she must sit in front of the TV all day and eat, she’s lazy, she stupid.” But that judgment, was so VERY far from the truth. Little did I know, that that simple conversation was going to lead to my entire life been changed.
Mom told me to leave everything in New Jersey, leave my cats behind, just leave everything and stay in Florida. I told her I could not leave my cats there, because he had already threatened to kill them. The end of July, my best friend’s Mom passed away and I returned to New Jersey. It took Michael all of four days to turn back into the rage-aholic, that he was. I went to Noni’s funeral and a few days later I found myself sitting in front of Anne’s desk, in her office and confessing what Michael has been doing to me all these years. I had never told anyone, because I was embarrassed and ashamed. I was a strong woman, and here I was letting this man do this to me. At the time I felt like it was the most shameful thing in the world. Anne sat for a few minutes, tears streaming down her cheeks, holding my hand and telling me she was so sorry. She told me that she had never liked him, she always felt that there was something, but she never said anything to me. I told her of my mom’s suggestion that I moved to Florida, but I also said that I didn’t know how I would get out of this without being seriously hurt.
Anne is an incredible woman, and I love her dearly, she is like my second mother. Together, we figured out a way for me to get out, we sat there at her desk and together we wrote an eviction notice from my condo. You see, when her mom passed away, it meant that now Anne was the owner of my condo. Michael couldn’t blame me for that, and when he came home that night, I was ready for him. I was on the phone crying when he came in the door, but I wasn’t really talking to anyone I was just “faking” it. When I hung up, he asked what was wrong and I handed him the letter and told him that we had to move. He asked what we were going to do, I lied and told him I didn’t know because at that moment, I was too afraid to tell him that I was moving to Florida.
A couple of days later, he asked again if WE were going to look for new place? That’s when I told him “I think I am going to move to Florida.” He asked what he was going to do and I told him I didn’t know. I was by the front door when we had this conversation, the door was open, I was standing by the screen door, my keys and purse on the table because I had already been prepared. He started with blaming me for quitting on us again and I told him there was no us, because I could not live like this any longer. And I left, I wasn’t going anywhere, but I knew I needed to get out of there for a few hours until he calmed down. When I came home, there he was, on his computer, no doubt telling everyone how terrible his life was because he had gotten evicted from HIS apartment for a second time. (He had been evicted from his uncle’s house once before).
The following week I brought my cats down to Florida, because I knew I had to get them away from him. And I returned to New Jersey to pack my things, I had no idea what I was going to do when I left, I had no idea what my plans were, I was focused on just getting out of there. And so it was, my life was moving into a direction that was going to change it forever.
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