All day, every day, every single item…I count. I count every gram of food that goes past my lips. I wonder, will I have to do it for the rest of my life? I wonder….will I ALWAYS have to be on a diet.
My body wants to be fat. It liked it that way, it was comfortable that way for all of my 40+ years. I have never been small…until now. January 2005, I started the journey of my life….and here I am, January 2011 and I am less than 1/3 the size I used to be. I am to the point in my weight loss journey, where it takes me 2 weeks to lose a pound…I would never have believed it when I was almost 400 lbs. I recall people saying, “Oh, I need to lose 10 lbs and it’s so hard!” I was like, “Yeah, what are you talking about, I’d kill to lose 10 lbs!” Now, that’s me saying it…and the last 10 lbs, is indeed, the hardest to lose. I’m almost there…maybe I am there and my head just doesn’t know it. I know how hard I have to work to lose just a pound and I know all too well, just how quickly that pound and more will creep back on. I know you’re sitting there and reading this and shaking you’re head, right? You’re saying to yourself…”give me a break, she’s worried about a pound?” But, what you don’t understand is first it’s 1 pound, then it’s two, then it’s 5, then 10 and then I’m terrified I will end right back where I started so many years ago!! Maybe it’s irrational, maybe it’s not….I don’t know. I can honestly say that I’m terrified that if I don’t get on that damn scale every single day and that if I don’t measure every ounce of food that goes in my mouth, that I will lose it all. And, when I say lose it, I mean lose the control that I have at this moment. I know I have to be careful as well, to not go in the other direction and eat too little. It’s very tricky to keep an even balance.
My journey continues….I can’t stop. I lost the weight the right way, through hard work, determination, diet and exercise. Didn’t take the easy way out. But, in my head, there’s still lives “the fat girl.” Why? Why does she live on, even though she in long gone? I worry if I stop, that she will come back. How do I get over this new hurdle? How do I tell her that it’s OK and not to worry. And, how do I leave someone behind, who has been with me all of my life. she is like another person, because not only is she gone physically, but in some ways mentally as well, although I don’t think she is gone emotionally. Physically of course, the changes are obvious to everyone who knows me. I however, don’t think that I see what they see…even when looking in a mirror, Mentally, for me, I have more confidence, I have more self-esteem, I know that to others I look good. To me, I still have those haunting voices in my head, especially that one phrase “But, if only you weren’t so heavy.” That one phrase always followed compliments such as “You’re so smart, but” or “You’ve got such a beautiful face, but” In doing a lot of self-discovery, I found that the “but” always erased whatever it was that had just come before it.
So….I’m no longer the fat girl….BUT, she’s still lives on in my head. How do I say good-bye?
I am always telling people that they can’t dwell on the past, by doing so, they can’t live in the present and can’t plan for the future. I don’t think I am dwelling on the past, but I am having a hard time letting the fat girl fade from memory.
